July 30, 2007
You may have heard that the Internet died a little death. Technorati, Typepad, Craigslist, LiveJournal and other crap storage devices went down for a few hours due to a power failure in San Francisco and millions of bloggers were faced with the threat actual productivity.
Thankfully, for all that is useless, power and “information” distribution was restored in only a few hours, with craigslist bringing up the rear.
All I can hope, is that you, yes you, took that time to reflect upon just how exactly the same your life was during what will now be known as “The Moderately Mediocre Crash of Pretty Much Nothing of 2007.”
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awesome, craigslist, internet, livejournal, technorati | 
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Posted by c007km
July 27, 2007
Awhile back I made an entry about the educational value of a masturbating walrus. While I was using it to address the sheer volume of niche-content available on the web, now a month later, it has proven another MItB maxim. Who knew we could learn so much about digital society from a lonely sea-mammal.
The search phrase “masturbating walrus,” and variants there-of, are by far the largest traffic source for this blog. Apparently, the Inter-public is even more interested in a walrus slapping it (with flippers), than an underage track-star in a sports bra (my 2nd highest search phrase).
The corporate, and indie-corporate, and sub-indie-dude-in-his-basement-who-makes-custom-Lando-Calrissian-cosutimes, world is convinced that that they’re going to be able to make money advertising, and selling things on the Internet. Really, they still think that.
It’s true, there are millions of people on the Internet every day, but they want to watch videos of masturbating walruses. They’re not going to buy your Zorb-Tees, the new Silver Chair CD, AXE body spray or Hot Pockets. They’re going to laugh at the wanking walrus, or wank it to the teenage track star, and move on.
Advertising is about demographics and conveying your message to the right customer. How can we possibly identify what the Masturbating Walrus Demographic is interested in purchasing?
2 Comments | advertising, masturbating, retarded, the problem, walrus | Permalink
Posted by c007km
July 25, 2007
That’s right, I made up another word.
Allow me to be bold and assume that some, perhaps even many, of you are on MySpace.com (I include the .com otherwise it is the most awkward site to reference). “You’re on Myspace,” … wha? The MySpace bulletin has become a perfect representation of what’s wrong with the Internet.
Since you only receive bulletins from your “friends,” which I put in quotations for those of you who accept cam-girl invites, technically you’ve already done your filtering of the information. If the system worked, you should be interested in every bulletin that appears on your page. Every post should directly apply to you.
Twelve minutes, six “I’ve made out in an elevator” surveys, two hacker-spams and twenty four “I’m your friend who’s also a professional photographer, no, really, see, check out the new pictures I posted in my Blog,” posts later you realize that the system is seriously flawed. Keep in mind, this is information coming exclusively from people who you’ve deemed “cared about.”
Somewhere in that heaping pile of boring, a girl you’ve lusted after since you were in short pants announces that she has adopted a new, morally casual, attitude and you missed it because too many of your “friends,” just now found about about Chuck Norris jokes.
This is how the Internet is fucking you, or not fucking you, as the case may be.
Leave a Comment » | internet, myspace, retarded, the problem | Permalink
Posted by c007km
July 17, 2007
If we’re generation-I, instead of generation-Y, and you think it’s because of the “Internet” and not “Irony,” as I’ve theorized, then allow me to offer this solution:
Generation-I … just want to draw pictures
Our generation, from first grobbly sentence, was told to express ourselves. Our hairy-armpitted, LSD soaked, Eagles-listening, parents sent us to “creative” pre-schools. Our high school teachers rounded down to the dunce before handing us paintbrushes and guitars and sending us off to liberal arts schools where we were free to “find ourselves,” well into our thirties without stigma. God forbid should we actually graduate, and land in the face of actual work, the Internet was there to save us.
Without Generation-I … just want to draw pictures, the Internet may not be in the ubiquitous, shitquitous* state that it is today.
You see, drawing pictures, playing guitar or writing stories is a perfectly viable way to make a living, and I fully support them as careers. Most people pursuing them, however, are missing that “career” part of the deal. The plan laid out in Art Schools, Sociology Programs and Pre-Schools all over the country looks a little like; Step one, draw a picture; step three, profit! The hippies forgot to mention that in order to carve out a living with your art, it’s going to be a lot of work. It will probably be much more work than if you were to build cars, crunch numbers or rivet things.
So now we have millions of teens to mid-30s, sitting around doing something they feel is a waste of their creative energy, in front of a computer and connectivity. A few of these people are talented, and their day-job is a complete waste of their time – but I can’t find them because of all the people whose mothers think they’re the next Clay Aiken … like Clay Aiken.
*mine.
1 Comment | art schools, definitions, generation, internet, the problem | Permalink
Posted by c007km
July 3, 2007
Three awesome things I didn’t know about the iPhone.
1. I just logged onto an open WiFi network with it.
2. The two finger zooming, pulling, moving of pictures and web, DOES work as fast and smoothly as the keynote presentation.
3. “Cunt” is in its dictionary. Yes, type the word “cint” and it will recommend the correction “cunt.” I’m not joking; try it, if you can’t try it, that means you don’t have one and you’re a lousy cint.
Leave a Comment » | boners, iphone | Permalink
Posted by c007km