Hey there, the devil, have a sno-cone

August 31, 2007

They must be breaking out their Burbury scarfs down in hell for the first time since damnation, because today I find myself siding with Comcast.

Of course, I’m simultaneously siding against Rupert Murdoch, so, I guess this isn’t all that strange.

Fox is trying to push the The Big Ten Network on us. When Comcast and Time-Warner cable systems (who control most of the market share in the Big Ten area) said they wouldn’t include the channel in their basic lineup, Fox Networks (who own BTN) decided to blame Comcast for the reason I can’t watch the University of Michigan’s home opener tomorrow.

Comcast has responded with a fairly logical, “Consumers are tired of getting expensive channels they don’t want to watch. … We don’t think that the vast majority of our customers who are not interested in it should pay to enrich 11 universities and Fox.”

While the Fox honcho says “I personally will not be satisfied until all Big Ten fans can watch all Big Ten games.”

Hey BTN, I didn’t have any problem watching all the games last year. I appreciate your attempt to make some more money, more power to you, but you lost so instead of trying to blame someone else, man up and put the fucking game back on Channel 7.

Leave a Comment » | big ten network, comcast, lame, university of michigan football | Permalink
Posted by c007km

Fad Suicide

August 30, 2007

Someone has posted the entire Simpsons Movie on Youtube.

Aside from that link being the only chance I have of bumping the masturbating walrus out of my top-click spot, this jackass has really gone a long way to demonstrate why the Internet is, eventually, doomed.

The Simpsons Movie costs a shit load to make, and the people who made it want to get paid. YouTube, believe it or not, also cost a shit load of money and/or blowjobs, and they want to get paid/recieve head at some point as well. This brings us to the point, The Simpsons Movie is good, and the people who make good things want to be paid for those things, otherwise, they’re going to sell used cars, or vacuums or blowjobs, or something people do pay for.

So the people who make the good content are going to look at YouTube and say, “dude, you gotta pay us for that, or like, not post it.” YouTube is going to be all, “like totally dude, we get it,” and take it down (just look at all the Viacom stuff). Then, Google comes in and says, “hey, Nimble Numballs (that’s what Google calls YouTube in the locker room), What happened to that 400Million views/day we paid $2 Billion for?”

YouTube is going to be all, “Dudddddde I know right, that was all The Daily Show but check it, this British chick is pretty talented.”

So they feature PaperLilies, she gets a couple million hits and realizes, “hey, I’m good at this and I should probably get paid for it,” and signs a contract with Viacom. YouTube (the Internet) is back where it started; a giant, gaping, butthole of buttholes shooting bottle rockets out of their buttholes.

Until someone figures out how to generate real dollars from the Internet, a place bread on the concept of free, it is headed the way of getting kicked in the penis; eventually, you stop thinking it’s going to get cool later, and just tell your sister to stop.

1 Comment | internet, movie, simpsons, youtube | Permalink
Posted by c007km

Why think when you have math

August 21, 2007

I’ve always been a fan of formulas. Simple rules that allow me to think once, and apply to all. Picture it like situational prejudice – that is, being prejudicial towards situations, not being prejudice in certain situations.

Some classics include; 1/2 my age +7 is the youngest I’ll date, 37 is always the right number, and only 3 more drinks after I vomit blood in the urinal.

With my bookmark bar rapidly filling, I developed a new formula that, just like the bloody-vomit rule, might improve your lives as much as it has mine. With each web-author realizing that two hours old is too old, I find myself constantly cycling through my favorite blogs, community sites and video posts to make sure I keep up. The problem is that by the time I’m finished with the cycle, the first place I went has had time to update; all of a sudden it’s 3AM and I’m developing a bed-sore.

I’ve now imposed a limit of Four websites on the cycle plus two prospects. This allows a substantial enough window between cycles to take care of important things, like eating and tweezing. The two prospect sites are new sites that may make it into The Four if their quality exceeds one of the current Four.

Any more than four, routinely checked, websites and you risk a vicious, downward spiral into a world of mediocre writing and boring ideas.

My current four:
WebVomit(music)
MySpace(stalking/harassing)
Suicidegirls(news, community, pop culture and boobs – really, this could replace all of the four if they had better music coverage and more membership)
SuperDeluxe(comedy).

Prospects:
Facebook – Much better/higher functioning than the clusterfuck of //:codetag*7 that is MySpace, and now that they don’t restrict membership to snot-nosed college brats, it has potential.

1 Comment | internet, myspace, review, superdeluxe, website | Permalink
Posted by c007km

An open letter to TV

August 14, 2007

Dearest TV,

Stop making commercials that are supposed to look like web video.

It’s retarded in ways beyond the comprehension of great minds past, present and future.

Yours always,
The Fun Tornado

Leave a Comment » | Uncategorized | Permalink
Posted by c007km

Of Self Fulfilling Prophecy (schmophecy)

August 7, 2007

I’m going to come right out and say that I like to own CDs. I like to buy them, listen to them, and stick them in a shelf in order that my friends and associates can be amazed at my depth of taste. I also like to judge you when I see your shelf without Soap Bubble and Inertia or Rarities v.1.

For this reason, I’ve never bought a full album from iTunes. I’ll buy a track here and there when I just can’t stop shakin’ it like a polaroid picture unless I hear that damn song, but if I’m going to plop $10 on a record, I want the disc. I want it to still be there when my laptop is run over by a rogue bar-stool, again. Storage is an issue as well; I’ve ripped 60 gigs of music and still only have access to a small fraction of my collection.

The problem is, that lately I have less and less of the new music I want, because I can’t purchase the CD. It’s not that they don’t exist; it’s that with retailers and distro struggling to not-lose-too-much-money-this-year, they’re limiting their selection to the new Paul McFartney (always funny) and some cross-over country. Our little local dudes have only ever carried about 100 titles anyway, and if I couldn’t find it there, Borders always; had it. Chain or no chain, If you don’t live in range of an Amoeba, Borders wins the selection war every time. That is, until recently.

Here’s what’s happening: people buy/steal digital music, retail recedes, which causes people to buy more digital because they can’t find what they want. So the question is, would retail be in as much trouble right now if they weren’t such pussies? There are ways around losing your shirt to digital, but limiting selection is not one of them.

Now, I’m going to download Dan Deacon’s full record in iTunes. Later, I will whine about the fact that I was forced to do so.

Leave a Comment » | itunes, mp3, music | Permalink
Posted by c007km