More Info than Brains

I feel like not posting to this for a couple of months was bound to happen, as this blog is all about not posting things to the Internet, and Blogs.

So that happened.

Although my readership stayed up, especially in the “sore butthole” demographic (one of my top search phrases), I want to play devil’s buttfucker here for a second and prove just how useful the Internet can be, in the right hands.

Since the one and only thing the internet surely has is information, tons of unfiltered, unedited and un-fact-checked information, it’s possible to use this information as a primary source, as opposed to a secondary source, which is retarded.

To demonstrate, I pose a question; Are there Canadian Douchbags? If so, statistically speaking, are there as many Douchbags in Canada as in the United States?

Now, to get an answer, I could go to google and search for something like, “Canadian Douchebags,” and I’d get a lot of results, but I can’t imagine anything useful other than finally getting some spam about girl-parts instead of my own, apparently flawed and flaccid man-cock. So what if I went to a respected journal archive, like a Lexus-Nexus? Well, that’s not the Internet, that’s a paid service, and the Internet is Free. Not to mention, PhDs don’t seem to be writing much on Douchbags these days, Canadian or otherwise.

There is light at the end of the flesh-light, however, because a textual analysis of any information creates a completely new, and legit piece of information. It’s like freezing a turd and then hurling it at the bus-driver; what once was worthless, now has a purpose.

So, instead of finding someone else’s opinion on Canadian backward-visory, we’re going to head over to Google Image Search and create our own. This will be an abbreviated study, for the sake of not wasting my entire life, so don’t get down on my poor sample size, or complete lack of randomization.

In order that we at least grasp at accuracy, we’re going to compare photos of hockey fans in Canada and The U.S. In a few different cities, and we’ll simply count the Douchebage to Regular-dude ratio.

First, Montréal

Out of five clear faces, I see a couple of nerds, a couple of regular dudes, but there, half-hidden in the middle, clenching his jaw muscles as if to temporarily improve his bone-structure … a douchebag.

Montreal Canada 1/5 Douchebag Index

Next, from the U.S., New York

First, we cross off the skank, that’s next week. So we’re working with these dudes. I see some dudes in hats who, by the pained-goldfish expressions I can tell are clearly yelling “woooooo” or perhaps just beginning an “ooooooooh yeaaaah!” I also see some dudes tippy-toing in their over-curled hats to get in the picture. By my count I see 7 douchbags out of 12 regular dudes. The guys in the back that I can barely see I gave the benefit of the doubt as a true douchbag would make sure to get his hands on that cup.

New York, US 7/12 DI

Next up, Calgary Canada

Okay, other than Calgary apparently being the Ugliest city in canada, I don’t see many douchebags. My man wearing the skank is clearly in the douche-zone, and there’s the guy with the greezy black “Miami-Dade” hair, but other than that everyone is looking pretty normal. They’re horrendously ugly, but normal.

I say, Calgary Canada DI = 4/12

Finally, Let’s see how The Penguins do,

Here I see two dudes, one a douche, one … well, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Pittsbourgh DI = 1/2

So were you to continue analyzing photographs from each city, staying only to hockey and doing as many photos as you can .. you’d have a pretty accurate picture as to which side of the border spawned more ’sacs.

Also, I’ve learned that there is a website in Calgary devoted entirely to chicks in Flames jerseys flashing their jubblies (and one beejer).