Everyone wants to make some money on the Internet – but it’s so confusing! It’s such a big, scary place, but companies know they have to get in on that shit. It’s the future, right? So who’s going to help these poor, mega-retailers who are gung-ho to lose their panties on the Internet?
Sure you could start a company like ForSee Results and land million-dollar contracts to tell companies like Danskin that their sales will increase if people can change the color of the leotard picture – but that’s only going to last so long.
Eventually some Intern at Danskin is going to speak up and say, “hey, I’ll tell you obvious shit all day for $200,” and all the technometephorical-pun-company-names in the world aren’t going to keep you in business.
To emphasize the hilarity; the patent-pending MiTB context swap:
Let’s say you’re walking around town, hangin’ out and you think, “I could be doing this walking around town thing a little better … but geezo if I don’t know what I’m doing wrong!”
Just then you spot my little cardboard stand. I’ve crossed out “Lemonade” and written, “Advice.” Okay, to be more accurate of an example, I’ve written, “WalkLightenment,” and I’ve painted everything up reeeeeeal pretty like, and there are some blinking lights, and gourmet coffee by my waiting-bucket.
You approach WalkLightenment LLC and ask me how you can walk around town better. I say, “well, we’ll get to that – but first let me explain my process.”
“We’ll walk around town together, and I’ll ask everyone we see what they think would improve your experience, then I’ll record all the opinions …”
You stop me and ask, “wait, can’t I walk around town and ask people myself?”
“You haven’t let me finish! I then place those results into a very complex algorithm, and return to you with real-life advice, or En-Walk-Vice as we like to call it.”
“You had me at Complex Algorithm,” you say, “how much is this gonna run me?”
“$80,000, and it should take about 20 minutes.”
We go through the process, walking around, asking people, submitting results to complex algorithms and analysis and I proudly present to you my findings:
WalkLightenment LLC
OFFICIAL REPORT
- Tie your shoes
